If Political Ideologies Had Honest Mottos

Democratic Party: We don’t understand economics. Also, everything is racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, and islamaphobic.

Republican Party: We support small government and states’ rights except for when we don’t. We are your typical, lazy government bureaucrats.

Biden Supporters: That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not our fault. And if it was, we didn’t mean it. And if we did, you deserved it.

Trump Supporters: Trump’s presidency didn’t make any significant changes, but he’s still anti-establishment. Also don’t forget to vote straight ticket Republican.

Libertarian Party: What’s Aleppo? We are a joke and we don’t have our shit together.

Green Party: Global warming is a serious problem. Nuclear energy would alleviate it by lowering carbon emissions, but we’re still against it anyway.

Constitution Party: Extra-religious conservatives who oppose foreign interventionism.

Neoliberalism: Leftists that have greater support for the free market.

Communism: Whatever we say the rich people do, that’s what we will do when we’re in power, and then some.

Fascism / Nazism: We are authoritarian nationalists who pretend to understand race and eugenics. We also support autarky and central-planning because we don’t understand economics either.

Monarchism: Kings were born with the right to rule because we said so, and our might makes us right.

Socialism: Rich people are selfish but politicians aren’t. We will deliberately ignore that all life evolved to be selfish. Also, if this doesn’t work out, it wasn’t real socialism.

Islamism: Convert to Islam or die.

Anarchism: Government is immoral and unnecessary, never mind why we created it in the first place, or how it’s necessary for the progression of human civilization.

Libertarianism: We think people should “live and let live”. And if we ever accomplish our pipe dream ideology, we’re going to find out why it’s not going to work at all.

Anarcho-Capitalism / Voluntaryism: We think government is bad, even though it’s necessary to solve game theoretic problems. If we seize power, modern civilization will fight with itself constantly and fall apart.

Anarcho-Mutualism: We believe in the free market, but we don’t understand that government is necessary in order to establish and protect the free market. We also don’t understand why Georgism is a better solution to land distribution.

Anarcho-Communism: Communism and Anarchy are incompatible, so we are essentially the same thing as Communism. Ancaps look like geniuses compared to us.

Anarcho-Primitivism: The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. Modern technological society has arguably left humanity worse off due to evolutionary mismatch.

Georgism: We understand economics better than everyone else, and there isn’t a single problem that we’re facing that wouldn’t be at least partially alleviated by our proposals.

Eugenicists: We support one of the better ideas of the 20th century, and we lost all our support when people started wrongly associating us with racism and Nazis, an appeal to origin fallacy.

Last Modified: 2023 December 01, 11:45

Author: Zero Contradictions