If Ideologies Were Honest

Sentence-Length Summaries For Most Ideologies

This page was inspired by a Quora question that I once saw. I recognize that these summaries don’t necessarily summarize the listed ideologies in great depth, nor do they perfectly summarize what every following ideologue believes in. Most of these slogans, summaries, or descriptions just try to summarize the impracticality of these ideologies, glaring contradictions, or my personal perspective on them. Many of these descriptions have links to other pages that talk more about specific topics.

1. Political Parties

Democratic Party: We don’t understand economics. Also, everything is racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, and islamaphobic.
Republican Party: We support small government and states’ rights except for when we don’t. We are your typical, lazy government bureaucrats.
Biden Supporters: That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not our fault. And if it was, we didn’t mean it. And if we did, you deserved it.
Trump Supporters: Trump’s presidency didn’t make any significant changes, but he’s still anti-establishment, and there totally isn’t a cult of personality or “my guy” attitude around Donald Trump. Also don’t forget to vote straight ticket Republican.
Libertarian Party: What’s Aleppo? We are a joke and we don’t have our shit together.
Green Party: Climate change is a serious problem. Nuclear energy would alleviate it by lowering carbon emissions, but we’re still against it anyway. We also pretend that overpopulation is fake, even though it’s much more problematic than climate change.
Constitution Party: Extra-religious conservatives who oppose foreign interventionism.

2. Political Ideologies

Neoliberalism: Leftists that have greater support for the free market.
Fascism / Nazism: We are authoritarian nationalists who pretend to understand race and eugenics. We also support autarky and central-planning because we don’t understand economics either.
Socialism: Rich people are selfish but politicians aren’t. We deliberately ignore that all life evolved to be selfish. Also, if this doesn’t work out, it wasn’t real socialism.
Communism: Whatever we say the rich people do, that’s what we will do when we’re in power, and then some.
Monarchism: Kings were born with the right to rule because we said so, and our might makes us right. Monarchies are actually de facto oligarchies, and the quality of monarchist policies depends on who holds the throne.
Nationalism: We just want to put our people first, even if that entails benefiting ourselves at the cost of other societies.

3. Anarchist Ideologies

Anarchism: Government is immoral and unnecessary, never mind why we created it in the first place, or how it’s necessary for the progression of human civilization.
Libertarianism: We think people should “live and let live”. And if we ever accomplish our pipe dream ideology, we’re going to find out why it doesn’t work at all.
Anarcho-Capitalism / Voluntaryism: We think government is bad, even though it’s necessary to solve game theoretic problems. If we seize power, modern civilization will fight itself and fall apart.
Anarcho-Mutualism: We believe in the free market, but we don’t understand that government is necessary in order to establish and protect the free market. We also don’t understand why Georgism is a better solution to land distribution.
Anarcho-Communism: Communism and Anarchy are incompatible, so we are essentially the same thing as Communism. Ancaps look like geniuses compared to us.
Anarcho-Primitivism: The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. Modern technological society has arguably left humanity worse off due to evolutionary mismatch.

4. Belief Ideologies

Humanism: Our “philosophy” is based on ad hoc intuitions. It’s poorly thought out.
Black Lives Matter: Increased policing would reduce crime, which would make black neighborhoods safer, but we’re against it anyway because we buy into the mass media narratives. We also don’t give a shit about blacks who were killed by other blacks, because it doesn’t fit our white-on-black oppression narrative. A better name for our organization would be Buy Large Mansions.
Race Denialism: We are not interested in the truth. Any amount and any of gish gallop is acceptable if it attacks race realism.
LGBT: Our beliefs and values are maladaptive, and we openly embrace that. Our activism aims to promote our rights and minimize our obligations.
Feminism: Our beliefs and values are maladaptive, and we openly embrace that. Our activism aims to promote our rights and minimize our obligations.
Democratic Republicans: Democracy is a tragedy of the commons, so it’s unstable in the long-term.
NIMBYism: We want to promote our rights and minimize our obligations. We don’t want to cooperate with the rest of society. Our political power makes people poorer, especially by encouraging land to be used inefficiently.
Ethical Veganism: Livestock and zoo animals live arguably better lives than wildlife animals since they are fed on a regular basis and protected from parasites, predators, dehydration, heat, cold, etc, and often have rather humane deaths; whereas most wild animals die young from predation, disease, or hunger. Nevertheless, we’re still going to insist that raising animals for food is “evil”.
Climate Change Alarmism: Pollution and overpopulation are bigger problems than climate change, but we’re going to blame all environmental problems on climate change anyway, because it fits our moral narratives better.
Cornucopians: Malthus was wrong, so we’ll ignore all modern population concerns.
Trans-Humanism: We take civilization for granted, and we love to propose unrealistic solutions to humanity’s problems because we spend more time reading science fiction than we do actual, realistic thinking.
Christianity: Our religion is more insane than Islam or transgenderism, and it won’t solve the problems of the modern world either. However, our religion has a comparatively good history of tolerance, fostering the Enlightenment, and motivating some of the most influential people in history.
Islamism: Convert to Islam or die.
Objectivism: We don’t think for ourselves. We’re only interested in parroting quotes that Ayn Rand said.
Efilism: We hate life. Our philosophy could be more rational if we cared more about intellectual honesty, but we don’t care about that because we’re only interested in destroying the Earth and affirming our beliefs. To a great extent, our philosophy is also self-defeating.

5. Practical Beliefs And Values

Georgism: Most of us understand economics better than most people, and there isn’t a single problem that we’re facing that wouldn’t be at least partially alleviated by our proposals. Unfortunately, most of us have a lot of naive ideas as well.
Eugenicists: We support one of the better ideas of the 20th century, and we lost virtually all our support when people started wrongly associating us with racism and Nazis, an appeal to origin fallacy.
Pragmatopianism: We are a small group of people who want to solve the problems of modernity.